(not necessarily true history...)

No wonder we can't get along - We don't understand each other, even in perfectly good Englis!

First: A story in english -

My friend was driving his car last week - middle of the day.
He gets pulled over for "whatever, I don't know what".
(subject isn't important to the story)
The woman police officer asks for his driver's license, registration and proof of insurance.
My buddy says "Why'd you pull me over?"
She comes back with "Sir, have you been drinking?"
He says "Why? Do I look like I've been drinking?"
She says, and I quote, verbatim: "Your left eye is bloodshot.".
"Step out of the car, please."
To make it short, he didn't and made her call a supervisor and he apologized to him for her. Marc

(for those who missed it, if you drink, it's both eyes that would be bloodshot)

Now, My friend, Iwan,  didn't get it, so he translated it into his native tongue, Dutch......

Iwanita wrote:
I still don't get it. Maybe it's easier in Dutch?

Mijn vriend dreef zijn auto vorige week - midden van de dag.
Hij wordt wat over getrokken voor ", weet ik wat" niet.
De ambtenaar van de vrouwenpolitie vraagt om de vergunning, de registratie en het bewijs van de bestuurder van verzekering.
Mijn vriend zegt "Why'd u me over?"
trekt Zij komt met de "Heer terug, u heeft gedronken?"
Hij zegt "waarom? Kijk ik als ik heb gedronken?"
 Zij zegt, en ik citeer, woord voor woord: "Uw linkeroog is bloeddoorlopen.".
 "Stap uit de auto." _
te maken het plotseling, hij niet en maken haar vraag een supervisor en hij verontschuldigen aan hem voor haar.


Then, Iwan retranslated the new story from Dutch back to English -

(Iwan: Hahahahaha, this one's brilliant!    In case you don't understand I've re-translated it for you!)
My friend drive its car last week - in the middle of of the day. 
He is pulled what over for ", do not know I what". 
The civil servant of the women police asks round the license, the registration and the proof of the driver of insurance. 
Does my friend say "Why' d you me over?" pulls
She comes with the "Gentleman back, you have drunk?" 
He says "about which?  Do I look have as I drunk?" 
She says, and I quote, word for word:  "Your left eye is bloeddoorlopen.". 
 "Step from the car."  _
The sudden, he and her question a supervisor to not to make make and he excuse at him for her. 


We are DOOMED if we can't translate humor!!! (correctly)

Words of Wisdom

"While the apple is on the tree it grows and becomes sweeter, when it decides it is ripe, it falls from the tree and begins to rot."
(for when you find yourself in a disagreement with a person who has experienced a little and knows everything. The B-man and the I-man, for example)

Dysfunction: The only consistent feature of all your dissatisfying relationships is you.

Cluelessness:| There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.

 Mistakes:  It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
Catherine Aird
No matter how great and destructive your problems seem now,
remember that you’ve probably only seen the tip of them.
That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.

Lessons in Logic:
If your father is a poor man, it is your fate.
If your father-in-law is a poor man, it’s your stupidity.
I was born intelligent – education ruined me.
Practice makes perfect….but nobody’s perfect….so why practice?

I'd consider real legalization
 of non-citizens working in this country if they would mandate real border control and make them learn English.
The amount of money saved in single language concept would more than pay for border control. The amount of money received in legal taxes in migratory workers would bring in even more.
Of course, a legal worker will demand more wages because they will join some union and we will have $20/hr dishwashers... Wages will rise and costs for businesses will increase....
And what you pay for everything will rise..... Inflation.
-- Cram Grebsivlas
Suppose you were an idiot.
 And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

--Mark Twain

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
--Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
--George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
--James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
--Douglas Casey, Classmate of W.J.Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
--P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
--Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

 I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
--Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
--P.J. O'Rourke

If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal.
If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative.
If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate.
If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist.
--Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time (1995)

In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
--Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
--Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
--Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it.

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
--Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
--Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
--Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
--Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress.
--Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist 1928-1995


Passing this great "thinking" email...

I Can't Believe You Made It" !

If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's.

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have...

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Parents could even drive forward while leaning back and actually smacking a kid - really a neat trick -
Try that now!

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
(Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)

We drank water from the garden hose, from creeks that, no doubt contained Gardia organisms and didn't die. Horrors.
But we knew to not eat the food from street vendors in Tijuana -

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.
Even made ramps to launch our red wagons and tried to crash further down the hill than your SISTER!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.

No cell phones.

Unthinkable. We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no law suits from these accidents.  They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

Remember throwing dirt clods against your neighbors wall because it was fun? Remember your mom and the next door neighbor watching as you washed and scrubbed the wall clean?

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight...we were always outside playing. One time we shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died!.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... We had friends.
We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian.  How did we do it?

Remember getting yelled at in the store for messing with stuff you weren't getting?
Now? Divorced women with out of control kids ignore their own childrens' disrespect for other people and scream at anybody who would DARE to tell the little monster to stop it -

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did
the worms live inside us forever.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment..... Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.....Horrors. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

God forbid if there was a person who would DARE to implement a competency test to graduate from school! Imagine how the badly the people who didn't pass will feel - It might even ruin their uneducated life!

Hiring people based on race, creed, color or sexual orientation? - and not by ability?
Think about that on the next flight you take - check out the pilot? Is he or she the best person for the job... or.... a... person of race, creed, color or sexual orientation government mandated "slot"........ 

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind.
You "plays your game and takes your chances" -

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 200 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all by making the best of it -

And you're one of them.


Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.


Quote of the week.... 2003/12/9

R6 ownersgroup

"your bike doesnt have a built in power comander thing, and it cant be reprogrammed...thats why there are products out on the market such as the power comander....your dealer is an idiot.... "


Can't spell.
Can't capitalize.
Can't punctuate.
Forgot what an apostrophe is.
Doesn't know what a period is.
Insults people he (or she) doesn't know.
Doesn't have handle on sentence structure.
Assumes that mass marketers of a product tell all there is to know about his (or her)  bike.....
Doesn't have a clue that all fuel injection systems are tuned - and that many are externally tuneable, such as all Suzuki's, Aprilia's, Triumphs, Ducati's. Lord only knows why they sell power commanders for them - I missed his or her logic as to why he (or she) knows what he (or she) knows. You need it because they make it????

Ever wonder why most professional tuners avoid the users groups?





Here’s some advice Bill Gates recently offered at a high school speech about things not taught in school. He suggests feel-good politically correct teaching has created a generation of youngsters with no concept of reality and how this concept can set them up for failure in the real world.


RULE 1 Life is not fair – get used to it.


RULE 2 The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.


RULE 3 You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won’t be vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.


RULE 4 If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure.


RULE 5 Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping – they called it opportunity.


RULE 6 If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.


RULE 7 Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.


RULE 8 Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as many times as you want too get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.


RULE 9 Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.


RULE 10 Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.


RULE 11 Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.



It is a puzzling thing. The truth knocks on the door and you say, 'Go away, I'm looking for the truth.' and so it goes away. Puzzling. (Robert M. Pirsig)

Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth. (Anonymous)

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. (Winston Churchill)

The truth is that all of us attain the greatest success and happiness possible in this life whenever we use our native capacities to their greatest extent. (Dr. Smiley Blanton)

Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth. (Ashleigh Brilliant)

You can excuse some ignorance - You can excuse some arrogance -
You grow up with some of the former and can earn the right to have a bit of the latter -
But you can never excuse when they are combined: arrogant ignorance -
(Cram Grebsivlas)

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. (William G. McAdoo)

The older and wiser I get, the more understanding and the less tolerant I become - (mws)

Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance. (Confucius)

Your ignorance cramps my conversation. (Anonymous)

I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell. (Harry Truman)

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. (Mark Twain)

When I'm working on a problem, I never think about beauty. I think only how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong. (Richard Buckminster Fuller)

Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work. (Al Capp)

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. (Anonymous)

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. (Thomas Jefferson)

If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the land with sticks and transporting goods on our backs. (Eilliam Feather)

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused. (Anonymous)

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. (Fred Allen)

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. (F.P. Jones)

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. (Anonymous)

The more experienced I get, the more creative my mistakes become. (Cram Grebsivlas))

It is necessary for us to learn from others' mistakes. You will not live long enough to make them all yourself. (experience )

True love is like a psychic experience. Everyone tells ghost stories, but few have ever seen a ghost. (Anonymous)

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? (Will Rogers)

Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. (Henrik Tikkanen)

What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive? (Irv Kupcin

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. (Sacha Guitry)

It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about. (Anonymous)

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. (Manly's Maxim)

The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. (Tom Lehrer)

The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous. (Anonymous)

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. (George Bernard Shaw)

A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do! (Anonymous)

One good analogy is worth three hours discussion. (James T. Mccay)

Quality questions create a quality life. Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers. (Anthony Robbins)

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. (Carl Bard)

I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. (Oscar Wilde)

Don't waste time learning the "tricks of the trade. Instead, learn the trade. (Anonymous)

Even a fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying. (Harry Anderson, "Night Court")

I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way. (Franklin P. Adams)

If age imparted wisdom, there wouldn't be any old fools. (Claudia Young)

Imagination is more important than knowledge. (Albert Einstein)

The confidence of ignorance will always overcome indecision of knowledge. (Anonymous)

The first step towards knowledge is to know that we are ignorant. (Richard Cecil)

The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. (James B. Cabell)

It's better to be known by six people for something you're proud of than to be known by sixty million for something you're not. (Albert Brooks)

Many people believe that humility is the opposite of pride, when, in fact, it is a point of equilibrium. The opposite of pride is actually a lack of self esteem. A humble person is totally different from a person who cannot recognize and appreciate himself (Rabino Nilton Bonder)

95% of this game is half mental. (Yogi Berra)

Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. (Anonymous)

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. (Elbert Hubbard)

In fact, one thing that I have noticed . . . is that all of these conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find the facts also work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid. (Brian E. Moore)

Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open. (Thomas Dewar)

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. (Anonymous)

Since when was genius found respectable? (Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. (Ashleigh Brilliant)

When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it. (Anonymous)

I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying. (Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US)

Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy" Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. (anonymous)

Patience Hell! - I'm gonna kill something! - (hungry buzzard)


Date: Wed, 05 Sep 2001 14:02:17 -0700
From: Didier Malxxxxnt <dids@nxxxxxxxxg.com>
Organization: Nxxxxy Dxg Inc.
To: Philippe Malxxxxnt <pmalxxxxnt@aol.com>, Philixxe Lexxxxe <philixxe.lexxxxe@caxxxxxn.fr>

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major
U.S. research university.

The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons.
This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by
a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. 

However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere.
It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities.
 If can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and
can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being
made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Subject:  Evading ticket when I am out of gas!
Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2001 12:14:08 -0700 (PDT)
From: Mxtt Kxxr <kxxrbxxl@yahoo.com>
To: cbr900@pro-phile.com

This is long - so if you have nothing better to do then enjoy my bad luck.

I got my ass packed today.
Pick up my RR from the shop for its maintenance.
Bill was high - but as expected.
Service reps were nice - cashier was really nice (and cute!).

Hop on the Blade and get about 5 miles from the dealership and she starts to sputter. Damn - I filled
her up before I took her in. Oh well - flip to reserve and it is really sputtering...must have missed
reserve - I'll pull over and get it right.

Oh, it's on reserve already.

 I am on a major road and they are repaving the roads where it runs dry. It is 87 here, and humid. I am
riding attire with my Joe Rocket Ballistic jacket on (my only good fortune b/c I grabbed it instead of
leather). Leaving the bike here is not an option.
So I start pushing my bike and avoiding dump trucks full of asphalt, steam rollers, and the traffic. I
eventually cut through traffic (still pushing) and start pushing up an exit ramp.

Naturally, cars think I'm trying a sneaky motorcycle lane splitting tactic. (???)

After the second car moves over to block my path I lose it. I cannot move, sweating uncontrollably
with my helmet on - so I put the stand down and walk to the drivers side.

The window was already up, but I see this frantic woman trying to make sure all blast doors are closed and locked.

I ask her what she thinks I am doing. She ignores me.

I point to my bike - and say "it's broken down - what do you want me to do?"

I was not about to admit I was out of gas, even though it was *not* my fault. They told me they fixed it
(read in Hahn Solo here).

I conclude the one sided conversation with the usual expletives and she eventually musters up the courage to give me the finger. 
I then unleash the "C" word on her a few times and she goes for the cell phone.

Eventually, Mrs. C moves along with the rest of the traffic. I continue my pushing. Now I am on a normal road, with no shoulder.

 I choose the sidewalk as the safest place to continue my quest for gas. I am welcomed by a nice down hill slope.
I am home free. 

Oh no, nothing is that easy.

Evidently Mrs. C called the police (911 of course).

Up rolls a cop as I am blistering along at 6 mph. I wave to him.

He has his lights on and is going really slow. I wave again.

Surely the cop will understand that I am not driving on the sidewalk - I am rolling in the safest manner
possible. I had my helmet on for Christ's sake.
I can see the 7-11 with 6 pumps full of my nectar I so
crave a couple of hundred yards away.

Mmmmm, maybe a slurpee, too!

He gets on his loudspeaker and says "Cease and desist operation of the motorcycle".

It is not operating but I get the idea of what he wants. I try to do a stoppie but just could not get the rear up at 4mph.

I am about to pass out. I have been pushing for about 1/2 mile, mostly up hill. 

The cop does not even ask me what I am doing. Just wants the paperwork.

I oblige him.

He gets back in his air conditioned car and tells me to sit down on the sidewalk (in the sun of course) in his line of vision.

11 minutes later he gets out with his nice big clip board.

"Sir - did you have an encounter with a Toyota Camery about 20 minutes ago?"

I ponder the question.

"What do you mean "encounter"?

"Did you threaten the driver of a Toyota Camery"

"No, I made no threats to anyone".

"Can you describe the encounter?"

"I would not call it an encounter.

"A Toyota Camery blocked me as I was pushing my bike, I informed the driver that my bike was out of gas
and that she was an idiot for almost hitting me as I pushed my bike."

"I see."

"As I walked away, I was cursing the situation - but did not threaten her. She then gave me the finger and I THEN directly insulted her."

He scowls at me.

"Why are you riding on the sidewalk?"

Thanks for listening. ( Is this guy brain dead?)

"My bike is out of gas."

"Why is it out of gas?" (Really, he IS brain dead?)

I make a fatal mistake right here.

"Because there is not any more gas in the tank".
(Matt - sometimes you just know, before you even say it, that telling the truth will get you into more trouble)

No sooner than I finish the "k" part of tank, he is on the radio calling for back up, and almost simultaneously a cop from the other direction was going by.

Dammit. I could not resist saying that.

Just so happens the back up dxldo is a shift sergeant or something like that.

They start talking in codes a little away from me.

Sarge walks up to me and radios in that he is on the scene of the "217" or something like that. 

I know I am screwed so I might as well go with the smart ass routine. Much more fun for me.

I say "Wow - I got my own number". (217..) No reaction.

He has the clipboard now, he has the power of Greyskull. 

Says "Why did you not stop when the officer had his lights on?".

"I did stop".

He looks at the clipboard and glances at the other officer.

"Why is your bike on the sidewalk?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Am I in a movie? (I am still sweating profusely.)

"My bike is out of gas."

Come on, ask me why its out of gas. Please god - ask me.....

"Where did you run out?"

Can't I get a break here? Nothing "smartass" comes to mind so I just tell him.

We then go through the whole story, including the fact that I just got it out of the shop.

The brain dead (Mr. Ameba IQ) cop looks like he is going to pass out now from being in the sun for 10
minutes. Sarge hands the clipboard to Mr. Ameba IQ and points to something specific. Mr. Ameba gets back in his car.

Sarge asks me if I got the plate of the Toyota. I say no. He said they will pull the cell phone from the
911 dispatch. I am like "yeah - good idea." (What the fuck does that have to do with anything I am

He rambles on about aggressive driving and how a moped ran from cops today and the rider died and blah blah blah.

He then indicates that I got lucky because Einstein had already written "failing to stop" and called that code in when requesting back up. Seeing as how I was out of gas, odds are I would win in court, so they were letting me off. He said I and the bitch in the Camery will get a letter from the DOT
regarding aggressive driving and may have to go to some class.


Gee, thanks officer. I feel so lucky. 

Thanks for letting me off a ticket for evading when my bike does not even have any fxcking gas in it.

They then made me get off the side walk and "escorted" me rolling down the rest of the hill to 7-11.

Do You Yahoo!?
Get personalized email addresses from Yahoo! Mail

Brilliantly Funny Rant
Date:  Tue, 18 Sep 2001 17:14:33 -0400
From:  Marshall <rc50won@bellsouth.net>
Reply-To:  cbr900@pro-phile.pro-phile.com
To:  cbr900@pro-phile.pro-phile.com

I couple of guys on the Ducati list were going at it until one of them came up with this very funny retort. I about peed in my pants laughing. we all need a little giggle about now.


I am a poverty stricken, Portuguese Mongolian Dalmatian spotted troll of a man  with no home, no job, no money and no hope. I just want to be with someone that will hold me and care for me and love me for the hideously ugly misfit  that I am. Could you be that someone? Is there any hope for me, for you, 
and for the rest of the world? 
Please e-mail me off line so I can find out when we can meet and you can begin the monumental task of making me whole again (and hopefully I can get a free lunch too) . 
Pitifully Yours,
Kenny Mannina
1989 Homelite Chainsaw

-You meet the warmest people on this list....they just give 'til it hurts.

CBR900 Mailing List
For Unsubscribing Instructions, go to:


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer
tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't
worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel
dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel of dirt that
hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and
take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge Of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to
shake it off and take a step up. 
Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
 never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

P.S.  The donkey later came back and kicked THE SHIT out of the
bastard that tried burying him.   So remember: When you try to
cover your ass, it always comes back to get you!!



It was a typical day in Oregon, Low ceilings with drizzle and about enough visibility to
see the radiator ornament as I drove toward our airport.

I had just soloed the day before and wasn't about to let the weather deter me from another
exciting experience at the controls of an airplane.  I admit that I was pretty proud of my
accomplishment, and had invited my next-door neighbor to ride with me.  I planned to fly
to a neighboring town about 200 miles away where I knew there was a good restaurant.

On the way to the airport, my neighbor, John Williams, expressed some worry about the trip.
"Don't worry about a thing", I reassured him, "I understand their hamburgers are excellent".
When we arrived at the field, the drizzle had turned to a hard steady rain.  This concerned
me a little, as I was wearing my brown and white shoes, and my mother had warned me about
getting them muddy.  We checked with the local operator and found that my regular airplane,
a Cessna 120, was down for repairs.

The operator was a good-hearted follow, though, and when he saw my disappointment he assigned
me another one, N3341P, which turned out to be a Piper Apache.

"It's practically the same as a 120", he told me when I discovered there was an extra engine.
"Just remember you have to pull the gear up."

After a pre-flight check of the airplane, I noticed the tail wheel was missing, but didn't say
anything for fear he would cancel the trip.  We climbed aboard and began looking for the

Just then the operator came running out to tell me there was a severe thunderstorm at my
destination and warned me to be careful.  I assured him I wasn't afraid of thunderstorms.

The takeoff was uneventful, but we did use what seemed to be a lot of runway for an airplane
with two engines. (I learned later, we had taken off downwind with the parking brake on.)

We climbed into a solid overcast at about 400 feet. This was a bad disappointment, as I knew
John would have been interested in the scenery.  The air was pretty smooth, though, and except
for the ice that kept forming over the windshield, there was little to see.

For a pilot with only six hours, I thought I handled the controls pretty smoothly, although,
for some reason things occasionally flew out of my pockets up to the roof.

John didn't seem to notice. In fact, he kept staring straight ahead with sort of a glassy
expression.  I guess he was afraid of the height, as some non-pilots are.

After about an hour, I began to be concerned over the fact I could not see anything.  It was
going to be difficult to spot other traffic around the airport at our destination, and I hoped
the other pilots would use a little good sense and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather.

It was obvious that I was going to have to get down lower, if I wanted to see anything. 
It was too bad that the altimeter was so unreliable. It kept winding and unwinding rapidly,
and I guessed that it hadn't been kept in good repair.

Anyway, following this plan I began to come down.  Just then the left engine quit. No warning,
nothing. It just quit.  John made a sort of gurgling noise then, and it was about the first
thing he had said since we left.   I explained that there was nothing to worry about, as we had
another engine that hadn't even been used yet!  So I started the right engine, and John must
have felt better after that, because he went to sleep.
Well, pretty soon we did get down far enough, so that I could see the ground.  It was pretty
dark under the clouds, and if it weren't for the lightening flashes, it would have been hard
to find any good landmarks. Then I spotted a highway and remembered there was a highway near
the airport we were headed toward, so I followed it.

It was difficult to read the road signs in all that rain, and I had to stay pretty low. Several
cars ran off the road when we passed them, and I could say it was true about flying being a lot
safer than driving.

After awhile we did find the airport, but l had to fly around the tower a few times to make sure
it was the right one.  I didn't want to make a mistake and have everyone know I was a student
pilot.  They were very hospitable at the airport and flashed all kinds of colored lights as a
welcome.  So I landed and slid up to the parking area. (The operator should have mentioned that
you have to put the gear down -again.)  Everybody there was pretty excited.  It was easy to see
they had never seen a Piper Apache before. John was still sleeping soundly, and I had to have
help to carry him into the restaurant.

Well, I certainly learned about flying from that, and I want to pass on some good advice to
other student pilots.

Don't believe everything you hear--the food was terrible.


From: Rick Groszkiewicz

  Here is some classic humor, which you've probably seen before...

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
   and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
   bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
   section? "She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
    is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
    it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an  endangered

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
    clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
    remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. How is it possible to have a civil war?

28. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

29. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

30. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

31. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

32. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

33. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

34. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

35. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

36. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
    crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

37. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

38. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he
    become disoriented?


Every single one of us has made mistakes with women. We've been conned, duped and dazed by physical attraction. We've made fools of ourselves by kissing the feet of females who treated us like dirt. We've wasted countless hours and spent small fortunes chasing after women who lied to us and used us, and turned out to be rotten.
But do we learn from our experiences? No. Every time we think it's going to be different. We think if we just try harder, or do one little thing differently, the result will change.

Well, it's not going to change. If you keep pursuing the same kind of woman, you'll just get your heart broken over and over again.

Keep a watchful eye out for the following list of women, and you'll be one step closer to curing yourself of habitual bitch-dating:

1- Miss Feminist
This woman postulates that all the ills of society are orchestrated by men and the best thing a man can do to improve himself is cut off his testicles and grow a pair of ovaries. She believes that women are angelic creatures who would make the world a utopia if only the male "patriarchy" would allow them to. Any woman who promotes these absurdities lives in a fantasy world and will have no problem at all treating a man in a way that she would never herself abide by. You can easily identify her by her incessant mantra, "All men think with their penises." Avoid her at all costs.

2- Miss Take
She's out for your money -- pure and simple. Miss Take is the ultimate in high maintenance. She expects a man to finance her entire life just because she is biologically female. To her, a man should pay for drinks, dinners, trips, flowers, and jewelry, while she feels absolutely no guilt or compulsion to reciprocate. She is nothing but a whitewashed prostitute. Miss Take thinks her vagina is plated with gold and is worth a million dollars. She is greed personified. Since she has no concept of someone else's feelings, her only interest is in getting what she wants. And don't be fooled -- some apparently very "nice" girls are the greediest of them all.

On to Miss Romance, Elusive and Angry

3- Miss Romance
This type of woman lives in a fantasy world of Lifetime Channel movies and romance novels. Every night she goes home alone to spend hours flipping through her bride magazines, imagining that, at any moment, Prince Charming will ride up on his white horse, sweep her off her feet, and offer her a problem-free existence for the rest of her life. The Miss Romances of the world have been coddled by parents and family, told they are "princesses," and have absolutely no idea that real life consists of paying bills and cleaning toilets. Miss Romance will expect to be taken care of, will be a dud in bed, and will, almost overnight, turn into a shrieking nag. Run.

4- Miss Elusive
This woman is closely allied to Miss Romance, but with a dark side. She is usually one of the "walking wounded" -- someone who has been hurt in past relationships and so subconsciously avoids or sabotages new relationships in the present. Your association with her will be one of utter frustration, as first she shows great interest in you, but very quickly runs away -- then repeats this cycle over and over again. Miss Elusive is the queen of mixed messages. She will flirt with you and date you, but you'll never get past "friend" status. What you will get is a million excuses for her unavailability, all calculated to deceive herself that she just doesn't have time for a relationship. Save yourself some heartache -- don't get involved with her.

5- Miss Angry
Like Miss Feminists, Miss Angrys really don't like men. They scorn the male gender and can rattle off all the wrongs and misdeeds of every man they've ever encountered. To Miss Angry, there's no such thing as a nice guy -- they're all "jerks," "creeps" and "pigs." Many of them have lots of simmering anger at men, which can explode at any moment like an erupting volcano. Unless you're into lots of drama and screaming, stay away.

6- Miss Insecure
This woman seems great at the start because she's very nice, accommodating and treats men well. But her inner insecurities don't take long to surface. Pretty soon she's calling you 10 times a day, asking to see "where the relationship is going," or because she "just wants to hear your voice." She needs constant reassurance that she's attractive, and worries incessantly about her makeup, hair and the alignment of her clothes. She's clingy, needy and compulsively agonizes that you're going to leave her at any moment for "someone better." This kind of thing can get really creepy really fast.

7- Miss Bitch
Miss Bitches are the sulkers, pouters and ball-busters of the female world. They are very unpleasant people who treat their fellow humans poorly, care only about themselves, and aren't concerned at all if they hurt you or anybody else. Most Miss Bitches qualify as Miss Takes, too. Miss Bitches are usually good-looking and well dressed, and you can easily identify them by the scowls on their faces as they imperiously strut through the world.

On to 5 more women you have to avoid at all costs

8- Miss Me
A close relative of Miss Bitch, Miss Me is entirely focused on herself. Miss Me needs to be the constant center of attention no matter what she does or where she goes. She is a selfish, self-indulgent, self-serving narcissist who was raised as "daddy's little girl," and expects the same from you. Unless you enjoy the company of spoiled brats, stay far, far away.

9- Miss Desperate
Whether it's her baby clock ticking or she's the last of her girlfriends to trap a man, Miss Desperate wants to get married -- now. She doesn't care who the guy is or what he does -- as long as he's got a penis she can drag him to the altar. Watch out for this one!

10- Miss Turncoat
She's a conniving little piece of work who's an expert at conning men. Miss Turncoat will tell you exactly what you want to hear until you're hooked deep into the relationship (or married)… and then the truth comes out. Overnight, your sweet little girl turns into a demanding, greedy, mercenary harpy who will browbeat you into submission if she doesn't get her way.

11- Miss Tease
Usually, you can spot Miss Teases a mile away because she flirts with anything in pants and flaunt her sexuality at every opportunity. Sometimes she sponges off older men; sometimes she's a ball-buster who enjoys getting men sexually excited and then walking away; and sometimes she just basks in her sexual power by attracting men like bees to honey. No matter how she operates, you can't trust her because she craves male attention and if somebody better comes along, she'll dump you in a heartbeat.

12- Miss Controlling
She is a subtly nasty one who will wind up directing every phase of your life. She will tell you what to wear, where to go, who to talk to, what friends you can have, what you can eat -- everything. And if you try to stand up for yourself, she will cut off sex, cry, scream, pout, or use any other deceptive female tactic until you give in and succumb to her demands.

you've been warned!

These are some of the worst of them. Obviously, there are some good women out there who share only portions of these negative qualities. But it's always best to be on the lookout for the Misses listed above.

And now that you know better, if you hook up with one of these women, you have only yourself to blame.

When is @#$% Acceptable?  There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

 11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
  -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
 10. "What the @#$% was that?"
 -- Mayor Of
Hiroshima, 1945
 9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
 -- Custer, 1877
  8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
  -- Einstein, 1938
 7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
  -- Picasso, 1926
 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
  -- Pythagoras, 126 BC
 5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
  -- Michelangelo, 1566
 4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
  -- Amelia Earharrt, 1937
 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
  -- Noah, 4314 BC
 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
  -- Bill Clinton, 1999
 and a drum roll............! .....
 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
  -- Sadaam Hussein, 2003


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